Birthday

A year ago today my sweet Penelope Mae was born. And with her arrival our lives were thrown into a chaos deeper, more tender, and joyous, and frightening than I’ve ever known. And the three of us–David, Penny, and me–have emerged from it all. We have stepped (yes, even the tiniest of us, stepped!) into the light. We survived.

held

I cannot put words to all the new feelings that live in my heart. I cannot explain or describe the myriad of ways in which I have changed in the last year, and the ways in which I have stayed exactly the same. I am always cracking open, each day a new split or break as I find even more ways to love my daughter and my husband and nearly burst with the immensity of it.

Motherhood is so hard. It is relentless and desperate and rewarding and magical. I am so fortunate to have an amazing network of support. People who have encouraged me, helped me, carried and sometimes even dragged me through this first year. I am so grateful to you all. Your friendship and kindness and wisdom has meant more than you can know.

But today is about Penny. My funny, cautious, curious daughter. I love her sing-song voice and her stoner laugh. I love that she inherited my nose-crinkled smile, and David’s incredulous facial expressions. I love that she is her own, whole person and each day I have the honor of getting to know her better. I am so excited to see more of who she’ll be.

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Being Penelope’s mother is one of the greatest gifts of my life. Here’s to her first, shining year.

Posted by on January 18, 2015 in Personal

Two Years

A few weeks ago I pulled up a slow song on my phone and hit play. I coaxed David up off the couch and asked him to dance with me. We revolved slowly in the center of the living room, amid a sea of baby toys and burp cloths, in pajamas and unwashed hair while Penny […]

Posted by on September 1, 2014 in Personal

Papa Speaks: On Being Sick

Note: “Papa Speaks” is the tentative title for what we hope will be a recurring feature on this blog: updates from David. Here, he’ll write about food, family, and whatever sparks his interest.  No one ever likes being sick. It always throws you off whatever you were in the middle of–whether it’s a streak of […]

Posted by on May 5, 2014 in Personal

Milk

It is three days after Penelope’s birth, and we are home in our apartment for the first time. I am hiding in our bedroom alone, stuffing fistfuls of the white down comforter into my mouth, my whole body shaking violently with sobs. I feel myself breaking, cracking open. Out in the living room my mother-in-law […]

Posted by on April 30, 2014 in Personal

Quest for the Perfect Pizza Dough: Take Two

Last spring I began a quest for the perfect pizza dough, and the first recipe I tried didn’t cut it. I had every intention of getting right back in the kitchen, but pregnancy destroyed all my ambition. So that’s how I find myself a little over a year later finally getting around to pizza dough […]

Posted by on April 27, 2014 in Food

Papa Speaks: The Year of 30

This spectacular image of Pen–when she was just a few days old–sums up the past 12+ months for me. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words…tired, wired, mired…

Posted by on April 18, 2014 in Personal

Sunday Mornings

When we were dating, David and I spent Sunday mornings at his Brooklyn apartment in our pajamas with the New York Times, coffee, and a box of crunch mini donuts. Spending all morning reading and getting crumbs all over the bed (it’s ok; Sunday is also laundry day) was fantastic, and I wasn’t about to […]

Posted by on April 8, 2014 in Personal

Date Night

The first time I was away from Penny was two nights after she was born. We were still in the hospital and she had been crying incessantly for what seemed like hours. I refused to let her be taken to the nursery, so David and I took turns trying to console her and attempting to […]

Posted by on March 8, 2014 in Personal

Mama

In the beginning Penny was jaundiced and lost 13% of her birthweight after leaving the hospital, so we were putting in regular appearances at the pediatrician’s office. Bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived, I held my daughter so a lab technician could prick Penny’s heel and draw blood to test her bilirubin levels. “Name?” asked the lab tech. […]

Posted by on March 6, 2014 in Personal

Penelope Mae

About halfway through my miserable pregnancy David and I were lying in bed, and he made up this song: Penelope Mae You are not a kittay You are a babay COMING SOON It became our mantra for the remaining months: coming soon, coming soon, coming soon. Penelope did not come soon. She came late. I […]

Posted by on March 1, 2014 in Personal